The Babushka met a few interesting people clubbing. No one she would ever dream of dating, but interesting none the less.
The most notable had been a young lesbian snorting coke from right off the bar counter. Svetlana had approached the woman inquisitively, in complete disbelief that someone would actually put that little effort into hiding their illegal substances. The woman cocked her head at Svetlana and promptly returned to the small white trail before her. It looked like worm. The Babushka frowned.
"Aren't you scared you will get caught?" The Babushka inquired.
"Naw man fuck that shit," said the girl.
Svetlana nodded approvingly. She did not fuck with hard drugs, but what could she say? The girl had cohones.
After another 35 minutes of aimlessly circling the bar, The Babushka remained unsuccessful. These men were too fruity. She needed someone real, someone tough, like the men back in Ukraine.
The Babushka sighed a heavy sigh and reluctantly decided to return for home, empty handed. As she headed towards the door, she cast one last glance back at the young coke-fiend, who was now grinding her nose forcefully into the bar counter. Maybe the Babushka needed to be more like this girl.
A light bulb flickered in Svetlana's head.
Maybe the Babushka didn't need a man.
Maybe she needed a destiny..
a purpose...
or better yet...
her very own pair of cohones.
At that thought, the Babushka hoisted her retro pink beaded sequined purse over her left shoulder and purposefully strutted out the bar door.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
5. Hittin up da club
The Babuskha had not left her room for many days. Two nights after the sudden disappearance of her beloved Blarney, she received a heartbreaking break-up text from Enrique.
Life could not get any worse. Babuskha could not fathom what she had done wrong.
"He's obviously gay," sulked the Babushka.
For the next week she reviewed dating websites. Eharmony, Zoosk, Match.com. No results. She needed someone spicy. Someone exotic.
The Babuskha decided to go clubbing.
She pulled the fishnet tights up and above her wrinkled cellulite-dented knees.
She slipped her bunioned, fat foot into a size 9 shiny gold stiletto.
She dabbed a bit of coverup on top of the hairy mole under her left nostril and smacked her pasty red lips.
The Babushka stepped out of the squeaky doors to Watershed Heights and entered into the world of men.
Friday, March 11, 2011
4. Hello Carnie, Bye Bye Blarney
It had been exactly thirty days since Babushka had found love in the humid, smokey Jamaican Restaurant upon that stormy afternoon. The man's name was Enrique. He was so mysterious.
Following the thunder clash, Svetlana had bashfully asked the man to sit down with her and share a grand feast of ox tail soup. He eagerly accepted her offer and the two enjoyed the rest of the evening together, downing bottle after bottle of tongue-tingling ginger beer, and eventually passing joints with
Since that fateful night, the two had been spending every Wednesday afternoon together at "Jamaican Me Crazy." They had become a "thing."
One springy Wednesday as the pair sat down to the table, Enrique suggested that they make a detour past the town carnival on their way home. Svetlana did not seem inclined to go. Ever since that one incident when a small child had mistaken her for a member of the Freak Show, prompting the Babushka to begin ferociously beating and cursing at the child, leading to a lawsuit from the parents, Svetlana had not associated local carnivals with happy times. Besides, the carnies always hit on her.
Enrique however, was persistent. He said that perhaps he could change Svetlana's perspective on carnivals and give her some good memories to associate with them. At that he winked.
Svetlana could not say no to his enigmatic suaveness. So following lunch, they headed downtown to enjoy a cotton candy dessert.
At the carnival the pair enjoyed a delightful ferris wheel ride, an adventure through the fun house, and Enrique even won the Babushka a brand new pet goldfish. It would not be an adequate replacement for Putzina, however, it would make a better stew. She decided to name it Blarney.
Svetlana and Enrique stayed at the carnival far into the afternoon. The Babushka was enjoying herself so much. Their excursion had become far more than a detour. Her narrow-mindedness on carnivals had definitely been reformed.
The two finally decided it was time to walk home around 10 o’clock. The Babushka emerged from the gates of the carnival proudly clutching Blarney in his water bag. It had been such a wonderful afternoon. Suddenly though, as Babuskha and Enrique were waving a bittersweet goodbye to the lovely carnies, the Babushka tripped on a pebble, causing her to fall forward, sending Blarney and his bag spewing into the air. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Cried the Babushka. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.
The Babuskha fell on her face, peering upwards just in time to see Blarney and his bag burst open on the pavement. Enrique helped her up.
“But where is my little fishy?” Cried the Babushka. She paced around the explosion sight, picking up all the little scraps of plastic off the ground. Blarney was nowhere to be seen. Just then a mangy looking dog walked by. He looked up at the Babuskha inquisitively. The Babuskha cursed at him in Russian.
He peed on her shoe.
So much for carnivals.
Following the thunder clash, Svetlana had bashfully asked the man to sit down with her and share a grand feast of ox tail soup. He eagerly accepted her offer and the two enjoyed the rest of the evening together, downing bottle after bottle of tongue-tingling ginger beer, and eventually passing joints with
Since that fateful night, the two had been spending every Wednesday afternoon together at "Jamaican Me Crazy." They had become a "thing."
One springy Wednesday as the pair sat down to the table, Enrique suggested that they make a detour past the town carnival on their way home. Svetlana did not seem inclined to go. Ever since that one incident when a small child had mistaken her for a member of the Freak Show, prompting the Babushka to begin ferociously beating and cursing at the child, leading to a lawsuit from the parents, Svetlana had not associated local carnivals with happy times. Besides, the carnies always hit on her.
Enrique however, was persistent. He said that perhaps he could change Svetlana's perspective on carnivals and give her some good memories to associate with them. At that he winked.
Svetlana could not say no to his enigmatic suaveness. So following lunch, they headed downtown to enjoy a cotton candy dessert.
At the carnival the pair enjoyed a delightful ferris wheel ride, an adventure through the fun house, and Enrique even won the Babushka a brand new pet goldfish. It would not be an adequate replacement for Putzina, however, it would make a better stew. She decided to name it Blarney.
Svetlana and Enrique stayed at the carnival far into the afternoon. The Babushka was enjoying herself so much. Their excursion had become far more than a detour. Her narrow-mindedness on carnivals had definitely been reformed.
The two finally decided it was time to walk home around 10 o’clock. The Babushka emerged from the gates of the carnival proudly clutching Blarney in his water bag. It had been such a wonderful afternoon. Suddenly though, as Babuskha and Enrique were waving a bittersweet goodbye to the lovely carnies, the Babushka tripped on a pebble, causing her to fall forward, sending Blarney and his bag spewing into the air. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Cried the Babushka. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.
The Babuskha fell on her face, peering upwards just in time to see Blarney and his bag burst open on the pavement. Enrique helped her up.
“But where is my little fishy?” Cried the Babushka. She paced around the explosion sight, picking up all the little scraps of plastic off the ground. Blarney was nowhere to be seen. Just then a mangy looking dog walked by. He looked up at the Babuskha inquisitively. The Babuskha cursed at him in Russian.
He peed on her shoe.
So much for carnivals.
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